Busyness as a Proxy for Productivity

— by Mike Vaggalis

As I sit here, I’ve gone 14 months without a paycheck. I’ve learned that I’m prone to anxiety, that I have a love for money and status that runs deep to my core. I’ve learned that going a prolonged period of time without an income, rocks my very sense of self. I’ve found myself (paradoxically) sitting in judgement of myself, often ruling harshly that my too infrequent earnings make me less a man, that I’m an insufficient provider, even (at times) that I’m simply a bum who just needs to give up my pursuit of Keepsake Tales to find a more pragmatic and stable vocation. 

I’ve awakened at 3 AM with work thoughts rattling through my mind and proceeded to make myself busy in the early hours of the morning, fighting to prove to myself that I am sufficient, that I have the guts and the work ethic and the charisma to make success—that elusive and gilded idol–materialize from a stew of sweat, and tears and the roiling stomach bile bite of anxiety. 
I find myself locked in a pattern of busyness. In fact taking the time to write this reflection gnaws at me. I’ve seen three emails hit my inbox since writing the last 2 paragraphs and it’s taking an unprecedented degree of control not to check the latest news. In the course of a given day, I’ll take care of the core work of business building, and then busy myself with mundane tasks that taste (slightly) of productivity without achieving the substance of it. I’ll find a reason to send an email, make a call, conduct some ‘research’. I’ll burn away hours in trying to manufacture something that’s not there and look back, distressed at the inefficient use of those hours. 
And all the while, I see the bills that I need to pay. I am painfully and acutely aware of the state of our business (and my families) checking account. That’s, I suppose, one of the main points that I’m struggling to learn. I too often find my purpose, my comfort and even, in some ways, my salvation in busyness. Busyness as a proxy for productivity, for value creation, for worth. 

And when there’s little of value to do, I create tasks of little value so that I can cross them off my checklist. And, for a while, I feel better. But the checking account remains, draining. Little by little. And I’m reminded that I, too, find my worth and sense of security in money. 

I dream of the freedom that might come with a big pay day. I dream that all this work will result in an acquisition that will make my family financially independent. I dream of teaching, of giving back to the community…of traveling and buying my wife a puppy. I dream of the possibilities that wealth can bring. And I become distressed when I realize the length and improbability of my navigating the road that would lead to the fruition of those dreams. 
Every morning I thank God for my beautiful and amazing wife, Brittany, for being a partner in more ways than I ever imagined needing. She has supported our small family for the duration of our marriage, bringing home the proverbial bacon while I’ve dedicated myself to building Keepsake Tales. I’m reminded daily that no man is more blessed than me. She is a ballast. On those days when I sink deep into despair and can’t even contemplate the achievement of our mutual goals, she steadies me. She trusts me and respects me and honors me, even when I struggle to trust myself. If every man were so blessed with such a life partner, what a different and better world we would inhabit. 
I’m learning and reflecting deeply today that I am not the point. My business is not the point. All the success and money and achievement of things—everything in short that I work so desperately for and that has such an insidious grip of my heart—is ultimately bankrupt. 
Instead, I remember that all that I am, and all that I canl be, is a living sacrifice before God. I reflect that, while God has been a consistent refuge for me, I’ve yet to make God THE point. In my pursuit of wealth (which I always assure God I’ll use to build His kingdom), in my pursuit of success (which I always pray that God will bless me with in order to point others to Him), in my pursuit of achieving a vision of myself that I’ve always desired—I’m learning that deep within me, I have yet to make God the whole point. 

I love God, genuinely, but I’ve failed to make Him my everything every day. I cling to God when I feel alone, but I let him go when I feel in control. But I know I’m not the only oen. I know this is part of the entrepreneurial journey for many—maybe for all. In light of that I pray, for myself and for those walking miles in my same shoes.
I pray for utter surrender. I pray that God would take me—all of me, my hopes and my dreams and my despairs and the whole of my broken self as a living sacrifice, that He would redeem me as only He can do. I pray that God would divorce my sense of worth from my business, from material blessings (or lack thereof), and that I would finally understand that my worth is truly found in Him. 
I pray that I would see all that I am, and all that I do and all that I’ll ever be, as laid before my creator. I pray that He would use me for bigger things that I can imagine, but that the glory would be His. I pray that He would build Keepsake Tales, and that it would be a pleasing offering to Him. I pray that if “success” would lead to my becoming puffed up with unwarranted pride, that He would withhold that success from me. I pray that I’ll give the glory back to Him because He’s the only one who deserves it. 
I pray for the provision to take care of my family, but I pray more for a deeper abiding in the God who provides. 
I pray for the ultimate success of Keepsake Tales, but I pray more that our company would point others to Jesus. 
I pray for success, but I pray more that my peace would be found in the Lord. I pray that if He sees fit to bless me with such success, my head will remain bowed in praise. And I pray that if He sees fit to deny me my vision of success, I would remain in a deep abiding peace with Him. 
I pray that my life, my family, my business—all that I have and all that I am and all that I will be—would be poured out before God and would bring many others to Him in love.

Amen.

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